"A Motherless Generation"..Indeed!

The latest Time magazine issue of Nov. 24th has featured the Philippines in its Society section with an article titled "The Motherless Generation", in reference to the thousands of Filipino women leaving their homes, family and children for better work opportunities abroad. Around 10 percent of the country's 87 million population are overseas workers and remitting much-needed hard currency back home. Last year alone, the total remittance was USD 17 billion is cash, a hugely significant contribution to an oil-dependent country like the Philippines.

Without the remittances, Philippines will collapse instantly a University of the Philippines professor was quoted as saying and everybody knows this, not just in the country but internationally. The country is surviving at the social cost of 9 million motherless or fatherless Filipino children and even if the Philippine government regularly commends the contribution of the Overseas Filipino Workers or OFWs while it pays lip service to the moral vacuum it creates, the government is powerless to stop the trend. Exporting cheap Filipino labour force has become the country's only viable industry.

It is without forgetting that aside from a growing motherless generation, the trail of broken homes is as long as the distance between Manila and Madrid. The old traditions of family and marriage have been forced aside in favour of job opportunities one can find, anywhere in the world. A majority of Filipinos going abroad for work are women and the untold stories of failures and tragedies outnumber those of success. It is indeed a very high price to pay but the Philippine government is not complaining. It is only the little children who are crying for their mothers, who are growing up with an education in beautiful homes that have all but mother's love."

What Obama's win tells the world

Barack Obama's election to the presidency of the United States has inspired hearts and minds toward new idealism emerging from the wreckage of a material world buried under its own weight. America needs a leader for a change that will not be ordinary, but one that focuses on ordinary people's hopes and dreams. When the trappings of a modern world have corrupted our ideals, it is time to go back to the basics of the life we want to live.

America found the right person to bring back idealism into the hearts of everyone, at the same time that most of the world re-examines its own set of ideals in a wasteland of economic devastation. One can say that the financial chaos that greeted America, and the rest of the world in mid-September was a crude awakening to our lack of conscience and common sense. We have allowed ourselves to be led by political and economic leaders whose sole motivation is self-interest and preservation of a system built at the expense of ordinary people.

If the Americans can wake up one day and realise that they need real change, and then elect the best person they believe capable of leading them towards change, why can't other nations do the same? The only other historical moment of this magnitude - that awed the world - was when Nelson Mandela after being held in prison for many years, became the first democratically-elected President of South Africa. He led his country towards democracy and freed his people from the politics of racial segregation.

How many nations today suffer from political systems that perpetuate corruption and a social cancer that feeds on the ignorance of the people, on their religious beliefs that poverty and over-population are mandated from heaven. The Philippines, has had one shining historical moment of what is now commonly referred to as "People's Revolution" in 1986, and wherein a woman- also historical in itself - became president and replaced a dictator who fled at the height of the popular street uprising. At that moment, there was a singular voice among the people who called for change. The mandate of leadership was given to Corazon Aquino, widow of the slain politician Benigno Aquino. But she faltered, lost the vision for change and in the end, old politics returned with merciless vengeance.

There were other nations that also experienced illustrious historical moments, as did happen in Poland with Lech Walesa and the Solidarity and in Czech Republic with Vaclav Havel. They were social agents that brought about change beyond national borders, change that inspired others to follow a better path for humanity. Many changes took place at the tremendous cost of human lives. However, looking at America just now, the change that is going to make or unmake a great nation rests upon a charismatic young leader with a vision of what the country needs in terms of shared purpose and common goals, the empowerment of ordinary citizens in a world without wars.#

Falling in...and out of love

The cycle of beginnings and endings happens every second, every minute in any part of this planet. There is birth to celebrate and there is death to mourn. When a relationship dies, do we fall apart or feel unshackled from pain, deceit and lies. Deception because we have led ourselves to believe in the fairy tale ending of "living happily ever after", and lies because loving comes with having to lie sometimes, in order to avoid distress and distraction.

Basic truths are however a must in any relationship. It is important to differentiate between falling in love deeply, being strongly attracted (to someone) and just having a fun time while waiting for the right one. In each situation, the degree of pain one suffers with separation varies from mild to tsunami-like aftermath. When love that has deepened with time is corrupted with goals no longer shared in common, separation is a surgical necessity that brings pain during operation but eventually relief with recovery.

Even short-term love affairs are not easy to deal with in terms of endings that shield us from self-loathing and regrets. The time one invests on even short romantic affairs are also precious and tedious as those placed in long-term relationships such as marriages and lifetime companionship. It must be devastating for anyone to go through the process of ending a relationship that has held its ground for many years, only to discover that the foundation is faulty.

There are no wise words to soften the impact of a separation. The heart bleeds and life's motion comes to a stop until a new momentum is found. The healing process differs according to how badly the heart has taken the blow. There are those who never recover from the loss of someone and in most cases, women suffer more than men. There are also those who require a complete change in one's lifestyle and place of living, even a new country in order to avoid running into bad memories. Whatever it is and wherever one takes abode, the important thing is to keep the heart healthy, so that it can give and receive love without the obstruction of a sordid past.#

Winter, a time for spicy stews and bubble baths

Winter has arrived and will stay over the next four to five months. It is hard to guess in these times of unpredictable weather changes caused by global warming, how long or short the zero-to-below zero days will be, particularly in the Nordic region. Even as we brace ourselves against the impact of a worldwide recession, so do we even more against the cold winter days. Winter calls for cozy homemade dinners especially spicy meat stews that warm the body after coming in from the cold. It calls for soft music, a glass or two of wine and a nice bubble bath. Have many candles of different sizes lighted and you'll have an evening to enjoy.

Creative meat stews come in different varieties that one can personalise according to one's mood. The basics are: beef or lamb, or even pork preferably with some fatty parts, cut into cubes and fried to slight brown with generous chopped garlic and onions. Having done that, put the meat to a slow boil and season with salt and pepper. Add beef bouillon, 3 to 4 laurel leaves, a teaspoon of ground cumin, a teaspoon of blended Provence dried herbs and a teaspoon of soy sauce. Boil slow for 1 to 2 hours and start preparing whatever vegetables you wish to have separately on the side. You can have slightly boiled haricot beans with sliced mushrooms, or broccoli, carrots and zucchini. Spicy stews need a neutraliser and the best is marinated thinly sliced cucumber salad with chopped parsley.

Watch the stew that it does not get dry and burned in the bottom. When the meat is soft, choose what you want to include: potatoes, white or black beans, sliced mushroom and before turning off the heat, add sliced red chillies and paprika. You can use fresh chillies, powdered or homemade chili oil. Taste and adjust, according to what is missing, be it salt or a pinch of sugar. To add a variation to this basic stew, use half a cup of red wine and a can of tomato sauce, instead of cumin which is best combined with curry. That's another stew variation that comes closer to curry dishes. If you are in the mood for lamb curry, don't forget hot curry powder, ginger- fresh or ground, cumin and a can of coconut milk. Along with garlic and onions, add one chopped tomato to the lamb pieces you are frying to slight brown.

Choose a good red wine of the Syrah variety. I usually go for the South African red wines - a habit formed after living close to South Africa for five years. While you are cooking, get marinated yourself with the wine you've opened and listen to your favourite music. That will create the right mood for a cozy home dinner, with or without a fireplace. There's always room for two in a fragrant bubble bath with candlelight.#

Confronting our ghosts and demons

One is supposed to be scary as a ghost for a Halloween party on All Soul's Day. It is an American tradition that has been adopted by many countries. I don't know the origin of ghosts being so frightening because they could also be beautiful in an apparition they choose to be seen. The tradition has become commercialised, like all others that the scarier and uglier the masks for Halloween, the better they sell.

I want to take ghosts and demons away from the Halloween gaiety and bring them into the real lives of people who have difficulties confronting them. How often do we hear someone say: "I have my own demons plaguing me and I don't know how to deal with them." Or perhaps it is like this: " The ghosts of my past keep trespassing into my present and I am held hostage." These are terrible burdens to carry on and they affect one's capacity for enjoying life and love, for giving and for sharing them.

I have a friend who met and fell in love with her perfect man. He was everything she wanted for a lifelong partner. But somewhere in the relationship, something broke irreparably. So she married someone else who was a good person, but she had no closure with her love of her life, and she failed to give herself to the man she married. They separated. Up to now, that closure hangs in limbo.

Then there's the story between a mother and her daughter. She was young when she had her. And when she left for Europe to find a new life, she left her daughter to the care of the grandmother. When she was ready to take on her duties of mothering and reclaimed her daughter, she could never make her love her as a mother. They became enemies.

Another example. A close friend came home early from her shopping tour in the city and stumbled upon her diplomat husband with another woman in their marital bed. She was devastated. She wanted instant divorce. But they were both middle-aged and if separated, they would be losers. She claimed that she could never trust him again which is understandable. But on the other hand, she failed to accept that she probably forgot he was a man instead of just being the husband who brought home the bacon. And he, a middle-aged man succumbed to the flattery of a younger woman's seduction.

Still another example and it is about a boy of eleven whose mother died so suddenly. He was perplexed, numbed by the thought that someone so young and vital as her mother could die so suddenly. And he said: " I had many things to ask her but now I will never be able to do so." This is almost as traumatic as another case where the son said upon hearing of his father's death: " I will never be able to tell him that I really loved him." Or a wife who said: " I never told him how much I really loved him and he died without knowing my true feelings for him."

These are traumatic experiences that many are forced to live with because they cannot confront, or exorcise the ghosts and demons of the past. They maybe defeated for a while in an environment of trust and affection, but they can resurrect all at once in any unguarded moments. "The answer is out there," quoting a popular TV series. But how does one find those answers. Should one seek, or should one wait for time to bring the answers. Would it be too difficult to forgive oneself for one's own sins of omission, and for other's wrong that left a broken heart? Unless there is grace and humility to accept and make amends for wrongs done to oneself and to others the ghosts and demons will lord over the present and future of one's lifetime.#

Redefining human boundaries

The coming of winter is now evident as the temperature slides down to zero and darkness engulfs the horizon. Living in wintertime becomes a philosophy. We curse the weather for being unfriendly and rainy and cold, but we don't really answer the fundamental question of why we have chosen to be in a place where there are four seasons demanding changes in lifestyles. We come face to face with boundaries which we make ourselves, and those imposed upon us by the social and natural order of things.

I live with boundaries in my world because the opposite would be utter chaos and disorder. I live alone, like more than a thousand others, but it is not a nomadic life. I am bound by social rules and traditions that help create balance and order. My sense of balance with the outside world and what I feel is right for myself, is mine alone to determine. I choose the boundaries I can live with, allowing certain limitations to be flexible enough for change and growth. For instance, I can say that being born an Asian has equipped me with values entirely different from westerners, but after having lived in Sweden for 20 years, I outgrew some of my Asian beliefs and allowed great western values of egalitarianism and equality to enrich my outlook in life.

What are the boundaries we live in? Obviously it is in the realm of human relations where different kinds of boundaries exist. It is in this sphere that we can make our choices, most of them anyway.We decide how much is ours as individual persons, and how much is given to family, friends and the rest of the world. Blood ties are sometimes restrictive when they result in a border between "Us and them", and a boundary excludes others from the outside world. It is not a porous border that enables one to move in and out the "Us and them" paradigm, without fear of losing one's sense of belonging. Think about having a relationship with someone of this cultural background and being considered an outsider.

There are certain societies that strictly adhere to the "Us and them" rule. If you do not belong to the blood kinship, then you will always be an outsider. This is not the case in the western world where there is greater openness and where family relations are extended beyond blood ties. There are no boundaries for human relations to extend and multiply. Most Asian societies are clannish when it comes to considering who's family and who's not. But it is well-known for being the most extended in scope.

My family is extended beyond geographical and cultural boundaries. Having been married to a Swede gave me the opportunity to embrace his own family relations. Now I have children being married to, and having relations with persons coming from countries like Japan, Australia and Lebanon. The extension has created an expansive cultural experience for everybody, an affinity that defies distance and cultures. If that is not enough, I have also added my sons' friends in gymnasium as extended family. Hence, a Portuguese son who is more British and two Brazilian sons who are as affectionate as my own.

The trickiest boundaries to deal with are those in the field of human emotion - the man-woman relationship where social roles influence decisions on the limits of boundaries. Take a single parent, who maybe a man or a woman and who is also a parent to children. The first boundary that comes up is, what percentage of time is yours and what percentage belongs to the children. Then comes the career boundary, where one's professional life consumes almost 100 percent of one's time. There's nothing left for the other but excuses and loads of SMS that do not justify waitings and failed dinners. These are movable boundaries that one has the ability - given the determination to do right - to redefine and to re-adjust in order to achieve a balance between heart and mind, between duty to others and to one's self , and least of all between the spiritual and the material.#

Remembering the dead

Life is a precious gift one cannot afford to ignore or squander away because once it passes though the gate of eternity, there is no recovering what had been missed in one's lifetime. What makes All Soul's Day a heavy moment of reflection is the magnitude of recollection that comes with remembering the dead. As we honour our departed loved ones, we contemplate on the richness our lives have once been when they were part of the living and mourn the joys lost with their departure.

One experiences many kinds of death in one's lifetime. The unexpected ones are the hardest to accept because they catch us off-guarded, like when a close family member is murdered, or dies in a car collision or plane crash, or was hit by a suicide bomber, or simply fell down unconscious. We die a hundred times more than the death we mourn because we are caught unprepared for the loss.

Some deaths are expected, especially when an illness has taken an irreversible path of no return. We count the days, the hours, the minutes left for us to hold on to the bare thread of life that ties us to the person we don't want to let go. And when the inevitable happens, we hold the hands of our loved one for as long as it takes until they become cold and lifeless. Even an expected passing away is difficult to accept, and we somehow die ourselves.

Each time we honour the dead on All Soul's Day, we rationalise on their dying and on their departure from the sphere of life they once shared with us. Some deaths take a longer time to accept because they leave behind a deeper hole of emptiness. Maybe the heart has been shattered into tiny pieces that mending it is near impossible. Maybe the emotional destruction caused by death is the same magnitude as the ruins left behind by a world war where the possibility of becoming a whole person again is almost impossible.

As we light candles for our dead, we also seek the same light for our darkness, so that we might find ourselves safely out of the tunnel of sadness. The empty heart is difficult to fill again because it seeks the same purity of emotion that had once inhabited it. That is why happiness is elusive for those that have lost a great love.#