How many winters come to our lives, winters of varying strength that submerge our being into depths of unknown darkness and uncertainties. It is a beautiful season that sparkles with purity and brings about a feeling of struggle for rebirth, if only the will to overcome survives the test of endurance. But life has other winters that often try our utmost determination to dominate and win.Life in the northern borders of Europe is governed by four seasons that epitomise the cycle of birth and death. After having survived a hard winter and the worst depression that comes with being trapped within oneself and one's own domain, there is that unmistakable feeling of dying and letting go life itself. What comes to each one is a re-examination of things done, an honest accounting of life made for a period of one year. Has it been fulfilling? What was it that was missed along the way in the madness of daily trivialities? Some things that had not been placed higher the order of priorities?
It has never occurred to me to re-examine how life has come and passed over a year. It was crowded with the usual tasks of a working life, of small family gatherings and celebrations which always bring the best in human emotions - that emotion of joy that there is no loneliness when one belongs to a family and a circle of good friends. Human interactions that come during these numerous occasions are always happy and re-assuring that in a world full of unpredictable events and unwanted catastrophes, one has the embrace of loved ones who share moments of joy and despair.
Not too long ago, I found myself in the deepest pit of despair after the loss of two loved ones. It is one thing to lose someone you love by mutual consent but another thing to lose against one's will. There is no way to fight against the designs of death whose arrival is never announced. Physical death is harder than the hardest winter because there is no hope that spring will bring back life that has left one's physical being. Such winters in life are much harder to bear.
I count the last fifteen months of the past year and early this year as the most dramatic in terms of whirlwind changes that catapulted me into life-changing decisions on how the next coming years and seasons are going to look like for me and the person I hope to be around in my life. After the loss and despair in the past, spring like the numerous small lilies sprouting under the debris of dead leaves has arrived. A heart deeply torn is mending slowly and the feeling is wonderful.
But there is plenty of re-ordering that has to be done. Over the years, my old home has been the sanctuary of everything that belonged to the family. I mean everything that came though various occasions of celebration that were safely tucked in places. They are distilled mementos of childhood and adulthood, of places visited, of people met along the way, of letters and photo albums to freeze moments of joy, books collected through time and the various roads taken that became faithful company when loneliness came at times and the mind hungered for challenge. It is not easy to part with things one has kept for such a long time.
It has been with such heavy heart deciding to let go so many wonderful mementos of the past. However, like the spring flowers struggling for life out of the debris of dead leaves, I must let go if spring has to come. There is mixed emotions of loss and anticipation, loss of things that were part of a great journey and anticipation that spring will arrive in a cleaner and fresher garden of life. For life to be born death must first take place. It is the cycle of life and we ride on with the that unbreakable will to dominate.#
