Loving, losing, living...

How does one immerse oneself from a universe of grief over the loss of a loved one? Pain is always lurking around, ready to bite with every rush of memory of what had been, what should have been, if life continued to flow into the lost person's being. How does one celebrate a death day without feeling anguish once again cutting into the innermost of the soul. Last year on May 16th, someone I dearly loved passed away. There has not been a moment when I accepted that loss. I took it as something inevitable, that death is a part of life in all of us. But a personal rebellion against the injustice of an untimely loss persists, no matter how much one rationalises death.

My husband Bo Kälfors lived a meaningful life and made a career out of helping people in distress. His diplomatic work took him to countries where there was civil strife and unrest such as Lebanon, Mozambique, the Philippines and Bosnia. He was in Lebanon in the early 70s, when war broke out; in newly-liberated Mozambique where a civil war and anti-apartheid conflict raged; in the Philippines during a communist insurgency and Muslim separatist wars; and in Bosnia during the worst period of the Yugoslav federation's break-up.

Before becoming Refugee Adviser to the European Administration of Mostar (EUAM), he served in the same capacity as Migration and Refugee Adviser to the Swedish Foreign Minister. It was a task that took him to troubled spots where refugees threatened to overwhelm Europe: Kosovo, Macedonia, Bulgaria, Albania, and the former federal states of Yugoslavia. The problem of refugees and asylum-seekers tested the strength of a European Union, not just in bringing an end to the conflict but of accommodating the thousands of homeless fleeing from war and ethnic cleansing.

I saw the man my husband was, as someone who believed that diplomacy could equally share the burden of conflict management and peaceful resolution; who could help in the human resettlement of the displaced in Bosnia and promote some ethnic co-existence amongst peoples battered by a century of hatred and ethnic loathing. He missed a few live mine in his fieldwork in Mostar and a bomb that landed on Hotel Ero where the EUAM was headquartered. The threat of death dogged him in many of his diplomatic assignments, such as the bombings in Lebanon in the early 70s, and the raging apartheid war in South Africa at the time he was Charge'd Affaire in Botswana.

That he managed to cheat death in real war death traps were acts of divine intervention. And that he had years left to enjoy with his family and friends - as he reminisced on his many diplomatic adventures was a blessing. It is young to die at 74 years but long enough to leave behind a lasting contribution to humanity.

Today, let me share the wisdom of the Dalai Lama on a death day celebration. His instructions for life follows:

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's: respect for self; respect for others and responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take the immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share the knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your
need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
If you spread this mantra to as many others, your life will change according to everything you have
ever dreamed of.