In the Dagens Nyheter's Sunday magazine today, my attention was caught by a very interesting article entitled "Så håller du pirret vid liv" which roughly translates into "Keeping butterflies in the stomach". I wish to translate some very exciting and relevant observations made by Eva Sanner on keeping sex and sexuality alive in relationships. It is strange how a whole society is influenced by sex in whatever definition it goes.The excitement in sex tends to disappear with time in long relationships. And it does not help how much Viagra and sex toys are available in the market. The absence of sexual lust does not have much to do with one's lack of erection but something else that is missing, like romance, passion and the butterfly in the stomach feeling of anticipation, the article says.
Maybe we live in an erotic unfriendly society. Or we are too stressed for sex, have too much to do, preoccupied with children or just plain too tired. Or maybe gender equality and safe sex has become too boring and unpalatable? How can one re-discover sexuality and sexual lust for each other, keep butterflies alive in the stomach and blend the ridiculous with the sublime in everyday living. Because sex when it is good, makes us healthier, happier, calmer, kinder and more insightful.
I agree with the author's observation that a healthy sexual life brings out the best in us and we become better in our relationships with other people - with friends, co-workers, employers and the whole world. One time, at a planning session I attended, the lecturer was speaking about the importance of human touch with patients, especially the old people. She said: "Utan beröring, inget liv!" It means without touch or caress, there's no life.
We laughed but the truth is, who cares to live a sterile life, a life dying in sexual celibacy.
Eva Sanner is soon coming out with her book "Kåt, glad och tacksam", meaning "Lust, joy and gratitude". Lust is an everyday word that carries a lot of wisdom because it is not exclusive to sex but to the whole attitude towards life, the curiosity that drives us to seek knowledge and experiment something new. To have lust not just for sex but for life itself, and to be thankful of what one enjoys out of it or gets out of life through seeking and sharing. How many are there who wallows in grief and negative thoughts instead of living a thankful life one has.
As food for thoughts from this insightful woman, she advises the following. When the erotic glow cools down it does not mean that love is dead. Those dying embers must have some air to breathe otherwise there is no fire. Erotic love takes time and knowing each other because it is a part of longing and hoping, of having new mysteries, ideas and allowing unexpected things to just happen.
It is not those latest sex techniques that keep lust alive. No, the key to intimacy and the ability to create love over and over again in a relationship are: communication, distance and time. Communication needs because we want to be seen and understood in order to have the lust for love. Distance needs because separation is a condition for meeting. And if we will have those butterfly feeling in the stomach there needs to be a distance between parties. Time need is essential because sexuality is a perishable commodity. Love in a hurry is simply boring. Getting into bed with someone is easy but developing a sexual relationship takes time and caring.
( With thanks to Eva Sanner and Astrid Johansson for their excellent guidelines in our journey into the often troubled waters of sex and sexuality. Photo credit: "Butterfly trapped" by Sonora Ocampo Åkerfeldt)
