Sex and butterflies in the stomach

In the Dagens Nyheter's Sunday magazine today, my attention was caught by a very interesting article entitled "Så håller du pirret vid liv" which roughly translates into "Keeping butterflies in the stomach". I wish to translate some very exciting and relevant observations made by Eva Sanner on keeping sex and sexuality alive in relationships. It is strange how a whole society is influenced by sex in whatever definition it goes.

The excitement in sex tends to disappear with time in long relationships. And it does not help how much Viagra and sex toys are available in the market. The absence of sexual lust does not have much to do with one's lack of erection but something else that is missing, like romance, passion and the butterfly in the stomach feeling of anticipation, the article says.

Maybe we live in an erotic unfriendly society. Or we are too stressed for sex, have too much to do, preoccupied with children or just plain too tired. Or maybe gender equality and safe sex has become too boring and unpalatable? How can one re-discover sexuality and sexual lust for each other, keep butterflies alive in the stomach and blend the ridiculous with the sublime in everyday living. Because sex when it is good, makes us healthier, happier, calmer, kinder and more insightful.

I agree with the author's observation that a healthy sexual life brings out the best in us and we become better in our relationships with other people - with friends, co-workers, employers and the whole world. One time, at a planning session I attended, the lecturer was speaking about the importance of human touch with patients, especially the old people. She said: "Utan beröring, inget liv!" It means without touch or caress, there's no life.
We laughed but the truth is, who cares to live a sterile life, a life dying in sexual celibacy.

Eva Sanner is soon coming out with her book "Kåt, glad och tacksam", meaning "Lust, joy and gratitude". Lust is an everyday word that carries a lot of wisdom because it is not exclusive to sex but to the whole attitude towards life, the curiosity that drives us to seek knowledge and experiment something new. To have lust not just for sex but for life itself, and to be thankful of what one enjoys out of it or gets out of life through seeking and sharing. How many are there who wallows in grief and negative thoughts instead of living a thankful life one has.

As food for thoughts from this insightful woman, she advises the following. When the erotic glow cools down it does not mean that love is dead. Those dying embers must have some air to breathe otherwise there is no fire. Erotic love takes time and knowing each other because it is a part of longing and hoping, of having new mysteries, ideas and allowing unexpected things to just happen.

It is not those latest sex techniques that keep lust alive. No, the key to intimacy and the ability to create love over and over again in a relationship are: communication, distance and time. Communication needs because we want to be seen and understood in order to have the lust for love. Distance needs because separation is a condition for meeting. And if we will have those butterfly feeling in the stomach there needs to be a distance between parties. Time need is essential because sexuality is a perishable commodity. Love in a hurry is simply boring. Getting into bed with someone is easy but developing a sexual relationship takes time and caring.

( With thanks to Eva Sanner and Astrid Johansson for their excellent guidelines in our journey into the often troubled waters of sex and sexuality. Photo credit: "Butterfly trapped" by Sonora Ocampo Åkerfeldt)

Is it " love actually?"

I just got an SMS message from my son - who's jumping in and out planes between Hongkong, Taipeh and Saigon that his girlfriend now has "a rock on her finger". A happy news to hear from someone whose heart has been broken twice. I was indeed very happy because he found his soul mate, someone who understands him - his strengths, weaknesses, needs and dreams. How good it feels to love again!

As a mother of three sons and one daughter, I cannot remember how many times my own heart bled when they told me about a relationship that ended, and the hurt that pierces deep into their hearts magnifies into mine because no amount of loving words can comfort a bleeding heart or stop the pain, or the tears. As the cliche goes: " Love hurts or sucks!". Also true, plus all other curses that come to mind in moments of desperation, anger and regret.

One often asks oneself, have I given all of myself that left nothing more to shield me from an unwanted separation ? Or as the Dalai Lama wisely said: "Has your need exceeded love?" There are more than a hundred ways why love dies, sours up, turns into hatred and even bitterness. But there are also as many ways it turns up when least unexpected, when we are close to committing ourselves to a self-built cloister of aloneness. And just when we have made peace with that settlement, that life goes on without any person to care for, the most unimaginable situation happens and shatters the protective wall of indifference we built around ourselves.

I find it very difficult to define love. Very often it is associated with instant chemical reaction wherein two people like magnet are drawn to each other, either at first sight or after a long period of friendship. When a strong emotion hits like a thunderbolt, we say it is love. Is it actually? I never had the pleasure of a thunderbolt-like emotion at first meeting, but I know that some kind of chemical reaction has passed though my system enough to allow that meeting to continue its course. And I often say to friends that I have a strong instinct with people. I either like or dislike someone instantly and nothing exists between those two extremes of black and white.

Should we be good friends first and fall in love later or should we fall in love first and be friends later. Can we be friends and lovers at the same time? Are words necessary to express our emotions as well as deeds? When love is not expressed in words, how does one know that there is even that love hidden inside the protective wall we built? Is sex an expression of love between two people reacting to the same mutual attraction? Or is it just a means to fill an emptiness, a longing for something that we do not even know exists.

However "love actually" is defined, it is only in the private sphere of one's emotion. But it is definitely a joy to know that there is someone out there who thinks of you, as much as you think of that person and that time becomes a tiresome waiting for the next call or SMS to come, especially if you don't want to seem too needy. Love is a game of balance, of knowing how much to give of oneself at various stages of its development. Even after marriage, yes, especially after marriage does love and courtship need more nourishment so that it does not thirst for anything.

(This blog piece is specially dedicated to Sarni and Toshi on their recent engagement.)

War, women and a wasteland of empty promises

Men rule and make wars. Women lose husbands, brothers, sons, homes and their dignity when they become spoils of conquests. One may think that conflicts are in fact anathema to this period of human development when nation-states have already been formed. And yet, ethnicism, religious fanaticism and excessive political power continue to fuel conflicts and the victims, by a large majority are women and children.

The Swedish women organisation "Kvinna till Kvinna" or Woman to Woman came out with a timely criticism on the absence of women's role in the reconstruction effort of war-ravaged countries, in particular, why the Swedish Foreign Minister Carl Bildt - who played a significant role in the EU peace and reunification effort of Bosnia and Herzegovina, has hardly mentioned women in his statements concerning Sweden's and even EU's role in the re-building and democratization of countries like Iraq.

This is no surprise to me at all because the same political miscalculation characterized the EU Administration of Mostar, EUAM when it undertook its task of reconstructing the bombed-out old city in Bosnia-Herzegovina. During a three-year period, I visited Mostar, Sarajevo, and its adjacent villages and I saw at close range how EUAM did the arduous task of unification and reconstruction. While there were advisers for different spheres: economy, education, infractructure, health and refugee - there was none for women affairs. And to think that the main survivors of the ethnic conflict and cleansing were women and that the greatest number of dislocations were among domestic refugees.

I was doing my masters thesis on "Nationalism and Ethnic Conflict" with EUAM as the empirical part of it. But my heart burned for some involvement in helping the displaced women who lost their relatives and homes, their work and their livelihood. At that time, there were not so many NGOs, particularly women organisations in Mostar. Women victims could not go anywhere to sit down, unload their psychological and emotional burdens, talk to others in similar situation. They were like zombies in a city emptied of life and joy.

Then I finally succeeded to gather some women representatives who were prepared to organize themselves and get some re-training program for livelihood. I brought up the idea to the EUAM Administrator Hans Koschnick. This was after two years ofEUAM work in Mostar. Koschnick gamely came along and sat with the local women, listened to their problems and they waited for an answer. None came, no promise of funds to create a women livelihood program. Then Koshnick told me: "Where have you taken me?" I replied: " Sir, to the heart of your reconstruction project".

When I brought up this women project with the Swedish Development Authority, or SIDA, I didn't get very far. The priority was the upkeep of the Swedish peace-keeping forces and the rehabilitation of women lives through education waited and waited. At that time, "Kvinna till Kvinna" was administratively weak and thinly spread in several conflict areas.

It is with the same pessimism that I view the UN and Iraq government's re-building project because whatever the final document says on respecting women and minority rights, it is half-hearted and cosmetic. Women organizations will have to work very hard in order to be heard, in order to count in the re-making of their society. And they have to do it without any help from men.

Stockholm hosts Int'l. Conference on Iraq

The red carpet rolled today in Infracity in Stockholm to welcome major political actors in an international conference on the reconstruction of war-torn Iraq. It is the biggest political event that Stockholm has taken on since a long time. Helping to put back Iraq on its feet has become a pressing world concern.

But not all agrees in Stockholm's hosting of the Iraq conference because critics say it legitimizes the war that the United States started and for which reconstruction and the problem of refugees that staggers Europe should be undertaken more by the US. The Swedish media reported positively on the Swedish government's decision to host the conference, even if it is clear that Washington has the greater responsibility especially in relation to refugee reception. Dagens Nyheter's editorial today says that, it is not reasonable that Europe should take on more responsibility for accommodating refugees than USA itself.

However, the editorial adds that it would be short-sighted to lay the burden mainly on the US. One has to accept two considerations: that USA's invasion of Iraq was wrong but the world has an important role to play in its reconstruction. Even if the state of violence has tapered down, the risk for escalation of conflict looms in the horizon. A devastated Iraq has repercussions on the stability of the region which does not lie in any one's interest.

It is reported that the international conference will not take up the issue of invasion but focus more on the future. It does not benefit anyone to dwell on the morality of why US invaded Iraq. After the US elections on November, it is expected that the Iraq issue will be treated differently in matters of foreign policy.

The conference is actually chaired by the United Nations in close collaboration with the government of Iraq. The major political actors that have arrived in Stockholm are US. Foreign Minister Condoleeza Rice, UN's General-Secretary Ban Ki Moon, the UN representative to Iraq and Foreign Ministers of Iraq, Iran and Great Britain.

While the conference has placed Stockholm and the Coalition government in the limelight, Swedish Prime Minister Fredrik Reinfeldt is going to need a good balancing position in order not be seen as supporter of US Pres.Bush. Sweden has no ambition to play a big role in the conflict-ridden issue on how the UN and the international community will handle the conflict management and democratization of the Iraq. Stockholm hosted the conference as a neutral country upon the admonition of UN and the Iraq government.#

Gabriel Garcia Marquez on a Tallin Cruise

De'ja-vu, the strange feeling of a life moment in the past re-enacting itself in the present happened on a recent cruise to Tallin, the capital of Estonia. It seems that my fate is irreversibly linked to cruise ships, if not presidential yachts. Cruises to Tallin, Riga, Helsinki and Mariehamn from Stockholm are affordable luxuries whenever a need to get away hits the soul.

During my recent escapade to Tallin on the Queen Victoria 1 cruising ship, something remarkable happened. I don't mean having a Premium suite to myself - instead of a narrow cabin with two or four beds. On this particular cruise I met a woman, who like me was travelling alone. She was sitting by herself near a piano bar listening to a pianist's rendition of old 60s and 70s music. She was reading a book, " Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. My heart skipped a beat. I was holding a copy of "The Autumn of the Patriarch" by the same author. I read her book earlier and fell in love with the tale of Fermina Daza and Florentino Ariza. What a strange coincidence, I thought.. to see someone reading my book and listening to piano music.

I sat on the chair opposite her and gave her a smile. Then we looked at the books we were holding, and we both laughed. We started talking. Strange though, it seemed like we knew each other from somewhere like a lost friendship hidden in the pages of Gabriel Garcia Marquez' novel. She said that she likes travelling alone and leisurely like on cruises after her husband passed away. I bit my lips because she took away my own story for being alone.

Obviously, our conversation fell on the books accompanying us. I told her that Gabriel Garcia Marquez is my favorite writer and that "Love in the Time of Cholera" and "Hundred Years of Solitude" were to me his best works. It is a tale of a love story that makes one re-examine one's own. How great was my own love story? How long has that love lasted. We became pensive as we separately sunk into our deep memories.

Then she told me what Fermina Daza taught her about love and being a woman. That Fermina Daza the woman was lost in all the roles she played to perfection: from being a dutiful daughter to being a dutiful wife and mother. She took on the stress imposed upon her by the society she lived in. Until Florentino Ariza, having waited half-a-century for her, declared his love on the same day Fermina's husband died. As the proper lady of the house, Fermina was revolted by Florentino's audacity. But as a woman of 72 years, she was shaken by the ardour of her old suitor. Then she finally agreed to get away from her suffocating social world, and into a Carribean riverboat with Florentino. In that boat and in the face of a ravaging old age, Fermina became a woman she had not been for many, many years.

My new acquaintance had a glint in her eyes when she narrated that part of "Love in the Time of Cholera" - Fermina's discovery of her lost sexuality. I travelled deep into mine searching for what I lost in the years gone.

Loving, losing, living...

How does one immerse oneself from a universe of grief over the loss of a loved one? Pain is always lurking around, ready to bite with every rush of memory of what had been, what should have been, if life continued to flow into the lost person's being. How does one celebrate a death day without feeling anguish once again cutting into the innermost of the soul. Last year on May 16th, someone I dearly loved passed away. There has not been a moment when I accepted that loss. I took it as something inevitable, that death is a part of life in all of us. But a personal rebellion against the injustice of an untimely loss persists, no matter how much one rationalises death.

My husband Bo Kälfors lived a meaningful life and made a career out of helping people in distress. His diplomatic work took him to countries where there was civil strife and unrest such as Lebanon, Mozambique, the Philippines and Bosnia. He was in Lebanon in the early 70s, when war broke out; in newly-liberated Mozambique where a civil war and anti-apartheid conflict raged; in the Philippines during a communist insurgency and Muslim separatist wars; and in Bosnia during the worst period of the Yugoslav federation's break-up.

Before becoming Refugee Adviser to the European Administration of Mostar (EUAM), he served in the same capacity as Migration and Refugee Adviser to the Swedish Foreign Minister. It was a task that took him to troubled spots where refugees threatened to overwhelm Europe: Kosovo, Macedonia, Bulgaria, Albania, and the former federal states of Yugoslavia. The problem of refugees and asylum-seekers tested the strength of a European Union, not just in bringing an end to the conflict but of accommodating the thousands of homeless fleeing from war and ethnic cleansing.

I saw the man my husband was, as someone who believed that diplomacy could equally share the burden of conflict management and peaceful resolution; who could help in the human resettlement of the displaced in Bosnia and promote some ethnic co-existence amongst peoples battered by a century of hatred and ethnic loathing. He missed a few live mine in his fieldwork in Mostar and a bomb that landed on Hotel Ero where the EUAM was headquartered. The threat of death dogged him in many of his diplomatic assignments, such as the bombings in Lebanon in the early 70s, and the raging apartheid war in South Africa at the time he was Charge'd Affaire in Botswana.

That he managed to cheat death in real war death traps were acts of divine intervention. And that he had years left to enjoy with his family and friends - as he reminisced on his many diplomatic adventures was a blessing. It is young to die at 74 years but long enough to leave behind a lasting contribution to humanity.

Today, let me share the wisdom of the Dalai Lama on a death day celebration. His instructions for life follows:

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's: respect for self; respect for others and responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take the immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share the knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your
need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
If you spread this mantra to as many others, your life will change according to everything you have
ever dreamed of.

Falling into Mallorca's exotic charm

Northern Europeans live through hard and cold winter every year - although climactic changes have dramatically shortened the days and nights of deep snow at minus 15 to 26 degrees. We feel a strong need to shed off winter in some sunnier lands, which was how I felt when I decided to travel to Palma de Mallorca earlier this month.

Why do we travel? French writer George Sand - who came to Majorca in November 1838 with her lover, world famous pianist and composer M. Frederik Chopin, tried to answer in her book " A Winter in Majorca". "Why travel unless you must?" And she writes: "It is not so much a question of travelling as of getting away; which of us has not some pain to dull, or some yoke to cast off?" For me, it is the need "to dull some pain" over losing someone nearly a year ago.

So I came to Palma de Mallorca - Spain's famous tourist resort for royalties, celebrities and commoners alike. I left behind a Swedish spring stifled by a stubborn winter of rain and frost. I was told that my heritage of 400 years under Spanish colonisation of the Philippines, would allow me to appreciate some kind of second home. April is a benign month in Mallorca where the sun shines almost all year round. It can be ruthlessly hot in the high summer months of June to mid-August.

Soon after I checked in at Palmanova Hawai hotel, I was out by the swimming pool inhaling the ocean breeze and hurriedly shedding off my pale winter skin. Several half - naked hotel guests were paler than I was and I wondered how their delicate white skins could tolerate the exposure to the sun. That was two days of sun tanning that ended with a big glass of sangria at the neighboring English sports pub. The long cove-shaped beach is filled with pubs and restaurants, of which a majority are British-owned. The promenade lane along this long stretch is paved concrete, with benches to sit on for resting, reading and watching others pass by.

One often has some biased notion that popular tourist destinations are over-exploited and no longer leave any rooms for surprises. This was not how I saw Mallorca. True, the tourists can sometimes overwhelm its 400,000 population with as high as 150,000 arrivals at high season, but tourism is the life that pulsates in Mallorca's veins. Its agricultural produce consists mainly of olives and citrus which are exportable. Plus leather, like in other parts of Spain. But tourism is its soul. It has sun throughout the year, a beautiful mountainous landscape such as the Tramuntra and a rich cultural history from the Moorish occupation to the Spanish take-over in the 14th century.

What I discovered - along with hundred others- during my fourth day was Mallorca's two underground caves - the Martel cave and the Cave of the Dragon in Porto Cristo-Manacor. The stalactite and stalagmite formations defy any descriptions that could do justice to their majestic beauty. An underground palace, a cathedral that has strategic lighting to show off the million different formations and an underground lake, as well. At the Dragon cave where they have the Sea of Venice, the visitors are entertained with a concert - a floating concert consisting of a lighted boats, on which one had a pianist playing Mozart. At the largest of all caves called " Sea of Venice" there was a performance. It was a boat with a couple dressed in a rich Spanish costume and in the background was Mozart's music and a video show. The effect against the rugged formations of the cave was out of this world.

Another unforgettable trip was the island excursion that consisted of a train ride to Soller, a beautiful village nestled in the heart of Serra de Tramuntra. The old train kept in polished shape takes one to the past, and passes though olive and citrus groves. Soller is a valley surrounded by steep mountains over 3,000 feet. The journey continued by tram. Then we transferred to a boat that took us to Sa Calobra, a small cove where the tourists could savour the view of the sea and eat their lunches. The way back home was through the steep winding road of Tramuntra, a view so eirie to look down from the double deck tourist bus. We had a chance to stop at Lluc cloister built in 1200, and rebuilt in 1600-1700. There one can pay homage to the Black Madonna, the popular saint of the Majorcans.

The next trip was to Valldemossa, an idyllic and romantic mountain retreat that Polish composer and French writer George Sand has immortalized in music and history. The guided tour included a showing of a documentary on Valldemossa including the famous historical figures like Chopin and Sand, a walk along the street that led us to the Carthusian monastery turned into a museum. The view from the Valdemossa mountain peak is truly breath-taking.

My friends think that it is boring and lonely to travel alone. I was not bored and lonely at all. There was too much history and beauty to digest in so short a time. And even if the rest of my travelling companions were elderly Spanish, English and German couples - enjoying their well-earned retirements, I was content to be alone with myself. In the evenings I had the company of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, whose autobiography "Living to Tell the Tale" was a most satisfying read. I could not have thought of a better companion.