Is it " love actually?"

I just got an SMS message from my son - who's jumping in and out planes between Hongkong, Taipeh and Saigon that his girlfriend now has "a rock on her finger". A happy news to hear from someone whose heart has been broken twice. I was indeed very happy because he found his soul mate, someone who understands him - his strengths, weaknesses, needs and dreams. How good it feels to love again!

As a mother of three sons and one daughter, I cannot remember how many times my own heart bled when they told me about a relationship that ended, and the hurt that pierces deep into their hearts magnifies into mine because no amount of loving words can comfort a bleeding heart or stop the pain, or the tears. As the cliche goes: " Love hurts or sucks!". Also true, plus all other curses that come to mind in moments of desperation, anger and regret.

One often asks oneself, have I given all of myself that left nothing more to shield me from an unwanted separation ? Or as the Dalai Lama wisely said: "Has your need exceeded love?" There are more than a hundred ways why love dies, sours up, turns into hatred and even bitterness. But there are also as many ways it turns up when least unexpected, when we are close to committing ourselves to a self-built cloister of aloneness. And just when we have made peace with that settlement, that life goes on without any person to care for, the most unimaginable situation happens and shatters the protective wall of indifference we built around ourselves.

I find it very difficult to define love. Very often it is associated with instant chemical reaction wherein two people like magnet are drawn to each other, either at first sight or after a long period of friendship. When a strong emotion hits like a thunderbolt, we say it is love. Is it actually? I never had the pleasure of a thunderbolt-like emotion at first meeting, but I know that some kind of chemical reaction has passed though my system enough to allow that meeting to continue its course. And I often say to friends that I have a strong instinct with people. I either like or dislike someone instantly and nothing exists between those two extremes of black and white.

Should we be good friends first and fall in love later or should we fall in love first and be friends later. Can we be friends and lovers at the same time? Are words necessary to express our emotions as well as deeds? When love is not expressed in words, how does one know that there is even that love hidden inside the protective wall we built? Is sex an expression of love between two people reacting to the same mutual attraction? Or is it just a means to fill an emptiness, a longing for something that we do not even know exists.

However "love actually" is defined, it is only in the private sphere of one's emotion. But it is definitely a joy to know that there is someone out there who thinks of you, as much as you think of that person and that time becomes a tiresome waiting for the next call or SMS to come, especially if you don't want to seem too needy. Love is a game of balance, of knowing how much to give of oneself at various stages of its development. Even after marriage, yes, especially after marriage does love and courtship need more nourishment so that it does not thirst for anything.

(This blog piece is specially dedicated to Sarni and Toshi on their recent engagement.)